Understanding Cuckolding

I read an interesting article by a fellow called C. Richards and adapted it to further add my understanding to it. The common understanding of the term 'cuckold' is a man who gets aroused by watching his wife have sex with other men without taking part himself. Cuckolding occurs when a married woman has a sexual encounter with another man with her husband’s full knowledge and consent. She does it because it makes him aroused and reputedly because he is inadequate in bed himself.

I've been both a cuckold and a bull in the past, through two solid relationships (one ongoing) and although I understand the humiliation idea, there are several other motivations why some men, including myself, enjoy watching their wives or girlfriends have sex with other men.

Look at the traditional meaning of the word 'cuckold':

Many people have a vague idea that a cuckold is a term of mockery, but whereas the term may have meant that in the past, a lot of couples use the cuckolding lifestyle as a way of improving their sex life.

Being a cuckold originally meant being the wronged husband of an adulterous wife.The first recorded use, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, was in a satirical poem called “The Owl and The Nightingale.”

Why 'Cuckold'?

The word's etymology comes from the cuckoo bird which is known for laying its eggs in the nests of other birds. Only in our case, instead of eggs, it’s a wife laying with a man who is not her husband. An important part of this older definition is that the husband has no idea that his wife is being unfaithful. This use of the older 'cuckold' term is a form of mockert. Not only is he not 'man enough' to keep his woman from straying, he’s also a fool who doesn’t even realize that his wife is cheating on him. Another phrase you’ll often hear bandied about with 'cuckold' in the ancient definition of the word is 'wearing the horns' or 'he’s wearing the horns of a cuckold.'

When someone mentions horns this way, they are referring to the mating rituals of stags.

Cuckolding is a sexual fetish that a lot of people enjoy. Here’s why:

'Cuckolding' or 'cucking' is when a man and his partner derive sexual pleasure from the woman having sex with men who are not her partner.

Very often, her partner is 'forced' to watch his wife or partner being unfaithful - a fetish that, like many others, is masochistic . This type of cuckolding features more in the kinky world of BDSM. Like many other kinks, what’s appealing to men who are self-proclaimed cucks is the element of escapism, taking a break from the restrictions or the 'norm' of their daily lives.

“It’s a stress reliever. I know my wife loves me, I know she’s not going anywhere, but the idea that I’m not man enough for her or that she has needs I can’t meet gets me going,” is often cited as the hook.

“It’s atavistic, like, my role as her husband is to give her kids and keep her satisfied, right? But when I’m cucking, it’s taking those expectations and ripping them away. It’s a high like nothing else."

However, while many other sexual fetishes have become more accepted in the mainstream, cuckolding is still something that remains a closely kept secret for most that practice it.

Other possible motivations of the cuckold:

• I want approval from another man by sharing my partner with him.

Colin says, “Although not spoken at the time when giving a sensual massage to a wife or girlfriend, I often have the male partner ask me if I'm enjoying massaging her. This seems reminiscent of the time the child shared his toys with the other boys to belong to the gang."

• Misplaced colonial approval

Cuckolding appears more popular with couples from cultures and ethnicities that were once under colonial rule and there could be to be an unconscious belief that the western male can pleasure his partner better than he can.

• I can not satisfy her in the way she wants

Some men explain that they feel they can not get the approval from their female partner sexually, so the fall back is to gain approval by arranging for another man to give her sexual satisfaction.

• I want to watch a sexually experienced man satisfy my partner so that I can learn how to be a better lover

Unlike watching porn which for many men can be intimidating because of the stereotypical ‘stud’ image of the men involved, learning how to be a better lover from someone who they can relate to can be both arousing and informative.

• A feeling of pleasure of being rejected

Another motivation I've witnessed more than a few times is that the cuckolded man experiences pleasure in the feeling of being rejected when the actual sex act is taking place but then afterwards, experiences emotional euphoria when after having this amazingly satisfying sex with another man, his wife or girlfriend always returns to him.

This behaviour is a convoluted process for the husband or boyfriend to feel wanted, needed and loved. The fact that she always returns to him is a bit like the classroom nerd beating over the popular sporty kid or bully. This emotional payback seems common with men who, as young boys experienced rejection and lack of affection by their parents and who only occasionally were rewarded with praise and approval.

Watching a partner enjoy sex with another man recreates the feelings of rejection but her returning to him after the sex gives him feelings of relief and acceptance that the child experienced when the mother (or father) eventually noticed him.

There is a masochistic element to some cuckold behaviours though no matter what the negative experience there is always a benefit somewhere. Getting pleasure from feeling jealous may appear odd but if the child lacked pleasure when young but saw other children receive pleasure (toys, gifts, activities), this will often create an environment where the anticipation of receiving pleasure becomes pleasurable itself.

I read about a man who was brought up in an extreme religious sect where all 20-century technology, gifts, birthdays etc. were banned. Even having friends to stay was not permitted. He went to a regular school and was surrounded by children who received all these things. As an adult, he was made to have an arranged marriage and then after catching his wife having sex with another man, he found that the fact he wasn't good enough in bed and then watching another satisfy his wife was very arousing. This developed into a necessary part of his sex life when after watching her have sex with other men (even in an in a ‘gang bang’ scenario) she would come back to him and then he could become aroused.

Needless to say, when the wife started to refuse to have sex with others, the relationship broke down, since all she wanted was for her husband to love her and want her exclusively. However, his need to be cuckolded was so deep that within three months of his next relationship starting, he was asking his new girlfriend to have sex with others.

As with any fetish or kink, there is often (but not always) a psychological basis to the need. If with a partner who wants to experience a particular fetish or kink that doesn't rock your own boat then you have a choice. You either reject it and run the risk of forcing your partner to go elsewhere or you take time to understand and explore where these feelings originate from and then try to accommodate them in the relationship so that both can be comfortable with them.

The Female Perspective

One might imagine that the female partner in the cuckold scenario would be overjoyed at being encouraged to have sex with other men, but this isn't always the case.

“I do it for him because I love him and it makes him happy but all I really want is for him to want me.”

“Is this his way of telling me he is attracted to men?”

“It makes me feel inadequate because when on our own, he can't get aroused. Am I not good enough for him?’

For a man to understand this is difficult because in the reverse many men would be ecstatic if given permission to have sex with another woman with their partner watching. But this is very rare. It's unusual that a female partner enjoys watching her man have sex with another woman unless of course she is bisexual and can be involved herself. More common is to want to watch him with another man, but that's a different conversation for another day.

Women do fantasize about having sex with other men and quite a few act on these fantasies but generally prefer this without their partner being present. Having his watchful (and sometimes critical) eye on the proceedings can be intimidating and distracting.

Some women do get pleasure from humiliating their male partners but it is a fine balance to get this right. Quite often, after the event of the cuckolded partner climaxing, he will experience a powerful sense of regret as the testosterone leaves his bloodstream and the humiliating and derogatory comments made towards him will suddenly impact him in a hurtful way rather than an arousing one with the clearer hindsight.

If the male partner can no longer get an erection when having sex then the wife having sex with other men while he is present (a pseudo-threesome) can be a practical solution because he still feels involved while his wife is having a fulfilling sex life.

So before any couple embarks on a cuckolding experience it's extremely important to talk through and understand the motivations of the cuckold and the effect the cuckolding may have on his female partner and on their relationship as a whole. Seeking out others who have experience in this lifestyle and seeking a 'bull' (the male third party) who has experience for their first cuckolding occasion can enable the couple to explore but with less risk to their relationship.

Professional or experienced 'bulls' often know how to contain the adventure within both sexual and emotional boundaries and ensure no chance of the female becoming emotionally involved. It also allows the couple to create the experience they want rather than to the agenda of a different third party (such as a close male friend) which if handled wrongly can threaten the stability of the relationship.

I'm going to be discussing, reviewing and writing more articles on related sexual subjects, so if you've found this article interesting, useful or if you want to discuss or debate some of the points made, feel free to get in touch.